First Love
by 1Shaliah
Summary: Forgive me first love, but I'm tired. *Song credit to Adele*


Prologue

_So little to say , but so much time. Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind. _

I waited patiently for her to open the door for me. My heart felt like a bulldozer as it beat wildly in my chest. I rubbed my sweaty palms against my pants for what seemed like the millionth time. I was a nervous wreck fighting to keep myself controlled and calm, but I was failing miserably. I knew what I was about to do, about to say was going to change everything, and I wasn't sure if I wanted that, but I knew it had to happen at some point.

I looked around at all the familiar surroundings and instantly began to regret what I was about to do once again… but I had to. It felt like I'd been waiting a lifetime at her door willing for it to open, and wishing for it to stay closed. I felt like a crazy person, everything in me was telling me to run away, this isn't what I wanted, but something in me, _no _something in _her _was telling me this is the right thing to do for _us. _

I was already feeling a whirlwind of emotions, but it was nothing compared to the hurricane that hit me when I saw the handle of the doorknob begin to turn. I wanted nothing more than to just turn around and run, run away and never face her again, but I knew that wouldn't be fair to her it wouldn't solve anything, and I would never be able to live with myself.

I felt my hands begin to shake as the door slowly swung open. I felt the overwhelming need to apologize, to just get on my knees and apologize and hope that someday she could forgive me for what I was about to do.

Fighting against my initial instinct, I took a step back as a soft smile graced her lips and she stepped out onto the porch to stand in front of me. I bit down on the inside of my jaw trying to take away some of the pain that I felt in my chest by inflicting it elsewhere.

As she stared at me her smile slowly began to disappear, and was replaced with a look of worry.

_Please wear the face, the one where you smile, because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry. _

"Santana…" I dropped my head in shame and hurt. I just simply could not look at her, especially when she's saying my name so softly, just as she always does. I didn't want to see her face after I say everything I need to say. She reached a caring hand out to stroke my arm, and I reveled in the feel of the softness, in the soon to be memory. "Honey, is everything alright?"

I bit down on my bottom lip and squeezed my eyes shut, fighting hard to hold back the tears. I had to be strong for now. "Y-you can't call me things like that... anymore." I say weakly. I took a deep breath and steadied myself, finding an ink let of courage to look into the beautiful blue eyes of hers.

Her eyes moved back and forth as she studied the melancholy expression on my face and the unshed tears in my eyes. She let out a painful huff and stood up a little straighter. "What do you mean?"

I felt my heart constrict in pain as she stared at me in sincere confusion. I didn't want to explain, surely she knew _why. _ "Brittany, don't make me tell you why… you know why."

_Forgive me, first love, but I'm tired. I need to get away to feel again._

We stood in our spots staring at each other surrounded by a shield of painful regret on both of our parts. For me it was regret for what I was about to do, and for Brittany it was regret on what she had already done, but it was too late for either of us to turn back now.

"I can't do this anymore." I practically whispered, and any will that I had to fight back my tears with completely vanished in that moment as I watched Brittany slowly shake her head from left to right.

"N-no." She choked out. She was making everything harder than it needed to be by fighting against my words. But, I shouldn't have expected anything less from her.

"We _have _to." I said, staring into her eyes trying to convey how exhausted and defeated I was by this whole thing she and I had.

"Santana, we can't… _I _can't." She walked a little closer to me, and I took a step back, not wanting her to be so near to her.

_Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind. _

"But, we have to… We both knew this was coming, but we decided to run from it. I don't deserve this, you don't deserve this… Sam, as much as I hate to admit it, but he doesn't deserve this."

"Santana, is that what this is about? Sam?"

"What else would it be about, Brittany? You couldn't have possibly thought that I was going to be your little toy on the side while you waltzed around with fish lips, like you're so in love with him."

"But, I'm not." She quickly defended. "Santana, I love _you, _I'm in love with _you."_

I let out a bitter scoff and wiped away at my tears. "I can't continue to listen, and _believe _all these lies you keep feeding me."

"Santana, I'm in love with you, and only you, that is not a lie. I swear."

"Stop. Just stop, because if you love me like you say you do, then why are you with him? Am I not good enough? Do I not fulfill all of your needs?" It felt like everything inside of me was breaking, being torn apart, and it hurt like hell. "Why do you keep choosing him?"

She stepped closer to me, and snatched my hands and held them in her before I could pull away. She stared deep into my eyes, tears streaming down her face and trembling lips. It hurt to know I was the reason for her sorrow.

_Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself; It's simply tiring._

"Santana, listen to me, I love you more than anything in this world… But, you left me… You hurt me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give myself to you fully again… Sam is safe, he won't leave me."

I snatched my hands away from her, refusing to hear the rest of what she had to say. "Brittany, that's a load of bullshit! S\you told me to leave! It was _you! _I recall wanting to stay."

I saw something in her eyes change as she dropped her head in regret. "I-I know." She barely whispered. I stood there waiting for an explanation, for an answer, or anything, and got nothing.

I took in a deep breath and shook my head. "Brittany I love you… But I'm leaving… and th-this time I'm not coming back."

I stood there for a moment longer waiting for her, _pleading _for her to scream at me not to go, but I had no such luck. She simply stood there refusing to look at me. I looked her over once more before turning around slowly. It felt like I was making the biggest mistake in my life, and it hurt like hell.

But, you know what hurt more than walking away from her? Watching her choose someone else over me… _every single day. _

It wasn't until I reached the end of her driveway that I heard her call out in a broken voice. "S-Santana, if you leave… I-I'll never forgive you."

_This love has dried up and stayed behind, and if I stay I'll be a lie. Then choke on words I'd always hide._

I froze in my spot, not turning around to look at her. I shook my head. "And I'll never forgive you for choosing him over me." I countered.

_Excuse me first love, but we're through. I need to taste a kiss from someone new._

"S-Santana… Please don't do th-"

_Forgive me first love, but I'm too tired._

"So we're even." Those were my final words before I left… and this time, I wasn't coming back.


End file.
